A Picture Says a Thousand Words

Cold, wet, relief, exhaustion, defeat, dissapointment, finished, comfort, love, compassion, safe, hard work, dedication...  The list goes on and on and this picture says it all to me.  I think you can see exactly how I felt at this moment.  Saturday was the hardest race I have ever run and not one that I want to look back on.

The day started with such high hopes.  I had trained all winter for this.  This was the only marathon I was planning on running this year and I had picked Ogden for one reason.  I wanted a win at home.  I poured my heart into training this winter all with this goal in mind, and a second goal or running 2:45 or faster to break the course record.  I felt like I was in the best shape I had ever been in and capable of achieving both of these goals.  Over the past few weeks I had a lot of people say to me that Ogden should be an "easy" win for me.  My response was always the same.  There is nothing easy about a marathon.  I felt confident that I had as good of a chance as anyone at breaking the tape but I knew that there would be a few women there with the ability to challenge me.  The weather forecast was looking terrible.  Heavy rain just like two years ago, the last time I ran Ogden, only colder.  I tried to prepare for the worst and hoped for the best.

At 5:40 a.m. the buses dropped us off at the start up near Causey Reservoir it was chilly but no rain or snow was falling yet.  I went across the street from the start area to a friend's house and took advantage of a warm place to sit and rest.  This was a huge help since there was still an hour and a half until the start of the race.  While I was waiting for the start a few snow flurries started to fall but there were still patches of blue sky above us.  However to the west ominous black clouds were looming.  We were headed straight into the storm.  7:15 was start time and it was still dry where we were.  The first couple miles felt great.  I warmed up quickly and started discarding some of my warmer clothes that I had been wearing over my uniform at the side of the road.  A couple miles into the race a light rain started to fall but it felt nice.  I started thinking that this was a storm that I could handle.  I shouldn't have ignored the black clouds that were up ahead.  Cynthia Fowler and Jasmine Sessions were in the lead with me.  I was grateful for some company and felt fantastic.  I was hitting the mile splits exactly as I planned between 6:10 and 6:15 while we were running the gradual downhill through South Fork Canyon.  Jasmine dropped back a few miles in feeling the pace was too fast for her but Cynthia stayed right with me.  Up to mile nine the race was going exactly how I wanted it to.  By now the rain was coming down heavy and I was getting soaked through.   At mile nine the course turns north and heads through Eden around Pineview reservoir. My race plan was to slow these miles down to about 6:30 pace and save something for Ogden Canyon later in the race since this is the hilly part of the course.  Cynthia was feeling good though and started pushing the pace.  We were hitting miles around 6:07.  It was too fast and I knew it.  I had a debate going on in my head the next few miles about what to do.  I was afraid if I slowed down and let Cynthia go I would never see her again.  How could I give up my hope of winning so early in the race?  I had heard from Cynthia herself and several others that she wasn't nearly as prepared as I was for the marathon distance.  Maybe if I could just stay with her I would outlast her when it got to the later miles in the race.  In hindsight this was my biggest mistake.  I ignored the warning signs my body was giving me that I was expending too much energy on the hills.  I convinced myself that the one who was mentally tough would win this race and I had to find that strength so I stayed with her.

By the half marathon I was starting to get cold.  My arm warmers and gloves were soaked and not doing anything for me anymore.  I was hoping to come through the half at 1:23 then have enough left to negative split and run the second half faster.  We came through the half at 1:21 (average 6:12 mile pace).  Shortly after the half is the biggest hill in the course.  I worked hard to stay right with Cynthia up the hill but by about mile 16 she was starting to pull away.  I was freezing cold and my legs were tired.  She didn't have much of a lead and we were almost to the canyon.  If I could just use the downhill to recover maybe I could catch up to her.  I hadn't slowed down much yet.  And maybe it would warm up a bit as we dropped altitude.  Mile 18 should have been one of my fastest.  It's a steep downhill dropoff at the top of Ogden Canyon.  I ran it in 6:30.  Instead of finding relief in the canyon it was just colder.  The rain was coming down relentlessly and the wind had picked up.  The road was flooded with puddles that were impossible to avoid.  My feet were soaked and heavy.  Cynthia disappeared ahead of me and mile 19 was another one in the 6:30s.  I was fading fast and I still had a long way to run.  I tried to focus on the canyon, one of the most scenic parts of the course to take my mind off what I was feeling.  I knew I'd lost the race but I could still finish in a really good time if I could stick with a 6:30 pace.

Over the past couple days I've tried to figure out what hurt me the most.  Was it the cold or pushing myself too hard through Huntsville?  I've decided it's impossible to separate the two factors but it was a bad combination.  I was slowing down so much that I stopped taking mile splits.  In fact I was hardly even seeing mile markers anymore.  I was just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  My body temperature was dropping and for the first time ever I really didn't know if I would make it to the finish line.  I was catching up to the half marathon walkers.  I could hardly weave my way in and out of them.  I had planned on the lead bike to get me through this section but it had disappeared with Cynthia.  The last four miles were the most miserable miles I have ever run.  I knew I was going to start getting passed as I kept slowing down. A few men passed me in the canyon and on the parkway.  I made the final turn onto Grant and there was a mile left to go.  I wanted to cry and was so scared I was going to collapse on the road.  I was running so slow that I was barely passing the half marathon walkers.  With two blocks to go Jasmine caught up to me.  I was really surprised she hadn't caught me earlier.  She tried to encourage me to stay with her but all I could get out is that I didn't know if I could even make it.  Somehow I managed to cross the finish line in 3rd place in 2:49:59.  Two years ago I was thrilled with a 3rd place finish in 2:55.  This year I ran over 5 minutes faster, finished in the same place and I cried.  And they weren't happy tears.

Jason was helping in the medical tent and waiting for me as I crossed the finish line.  I literally collapsed into his arms.  Of all the questions I've asked myself since then I've never questioned if I gave it everything I had Saturday.  There was simply nothing left when I got to the finish line.  I was so grateful that Jason was there waiting for me.  He understands better than anyone how I'm feeling and everything that I have poured into this race.  I have always managed to avoid the medical tent but I spent the next hour in there recovering from hypothermia.  I have never been so cold in my life.  It was a heartbreaking race for me.  I was frustrated with myself for making  a mistake that an experienced marathon runner should never make.  I cost myself 2nd place, not that it mattered because I didn't want 2nd any more than I wanted 3rd.  And I don't say that to take away from Jasmine.  She ran a much smarter race than I did Saturday and earned 2nd place.  I didn't.  But I do know that I lost several minutes off my finish time by pushing myself too hard early in the race.  I could have avoided a lot of the trouble I had at the end of the race if I had slowed down earlier.  Could I have caught Cynthia if I had run a smarter race?  Probably not.  She had an outstanding race.  It just wasn't my day.  I do know that I was in shape to run a much faster marathon than I did.  I'm a fiercely competitive person.  I think it suits me well most of the time and gives me the drive to achieve a lot of the things I have accomplished.  Yet it also means I am really hard on myself when I don't perform well.  I know I was capable of running a better race on Saturday.  There are a lot of what ifs.  What if the weather had been better?  What if I had run my race instead of following Cynthia?  I'll never know but I learned some valuable lessons the hard way.

I'm anxious to leave this race behind me but the soreness in my legs is a constant reminder.  I wish I could head out tomorrow and start training for the next race but I know my body needs time to recover.  I ran 18 miles really fast on Saturday and pushed myself through the next 8 when there was nothing left and that takes a toll.  So I'll rest of a bit. The sting of this race will fade over time.  I have the Olympic Trials to look forward to in February. Hopefully this has made me a wiser and better runner.